Requenes.com

5 Republicans I've voted for

Michael Bloomberg

I voted for Michael Bloomberg, who most Republicans will point out was a registered Democrat until he realized he could only get nominated if he ran as a Republican.

Jim Mattox

I voted for Jim Mattox in 1998. Someone later pointed out to me that he was in fact a Democrat.

Random NY state assembly candidate (who lost)

In 2006, the New York Times recommended voting for Democrats for all races for the state senate and Republicans for all races for the state assembly. I did, though I can't remember who I voted for.

The Governator

Not really. Yet. Though there's a good chance I will.

Abraham Lincoln

Jesse Jackson held a symbolic vote-for-Lincoln ceremony in order to pull in moderate conservative voters. I pointed out to one of Mr. Jackson's campaign volunteers that it wasn't a very fair ballot, being that Lincoln's was the only name on it. He took me aside and applied some kind of Vulcan death grip on me. I woke up around sundown with a Lincoln ballot stuffed in my shirt pocket.

5 cars I've owned

1991 Geo Metro Cabriolet

My friend Amy, who I worked with at a telemarketing company, bought this car, in part with $250 I lent her. She overdosed on shrooms, then joined est, then joined the Unification Church, AKA the Moonies. She had to divest herself of all her possessions and I convinced her to give me the car in exchange for a foot massage and a substantial donation to the church. I gave the church 6 pints of plasma over the next 9 months. I left the top down during a hurricane in Houston and the car was never the same. A few years later, during another hurricane, I drove the car into a Brays bayou (or some kind of flood-control-like structure) and never saw it again.

1977 AMC Pacer

I bought this car in Mexico with my tax refund.

1976 AMC Pacer

I got this car in Mexico from the same guy that sold me the first Pacer, which caught fire on the way to Falfurrias.

1979 US Post Office Jeep

My plan was to start a business delivering "Going-Postal"-grams. It didn't take off and I was stuck with this turd for 6 years.

1998 Saab 900

My girlfriend was a huge Seinfeld fan. Jerry drove a Saab and she convinced me to buy this car. It was the first new car I ever owned. She left me three months later on the mysterious advice of a mysterious, unnamed "advisor". She took the car.

5 diseases I've had

Trichinosis

I got Trichinosis twice in one week from eating roast hog that my father-in-law cooked over low, slow heat. I almost died, but the hog was really good and I caught it again 3 days later (leftovers). They say Trichinosis gets easier after your first one, but that's a lie.

The croup

This is generally a childhood malady, but I caught it from a bug I inhaled while sticking my head out the window of an Audi 80 in imitation of my girlfriend's stupid, inbred dog. She eventually ground the car down at the edges such that it resembled a used bar of soap. This was before the Saab.

The Yuppie flu

I tried to convince the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta to include me their database as the last known case of the Yuppie flu. I tried and I failed. Then they issued a restraining order on me. Frankly, they need not have bothered, as I was so riddled with malaise and fatigue that I would have given up in another month or so.

Alzheimer's

Judging by the blank stares I often get in response to the things I say, I must have Alzheimer's. Either that or everybody else does. That's statistically unlikely, so I'm guessing it's me. I also get lots of pop-up ads for Alzheimer's cures, so DoubleClick must think I've got it too. And my head hurts. Spinach. Fingerling potatoes. Toilet paper. Razor blades. Gatorade.

Legionnaire's disease

The same girlfriend, of the idiot dog and scuffed up Audi, came back from the doctor one time and told me she had an infection. She said her doctor said that that meant I had it too -- no test required. She gave me some pills to take and my urine turned sort of blue-green. When I asked her what the infection was, she paused for a second then said, "Legionnaire's disease".

5 Jews I know that aren't Woody Allen

Isaiah Sheffler

As a native Texan, I notice that other Texans are not comfortable saying the word "Jew". They prefer "Jewish person", which seems needlessly wordy. You can't get much more concise than "Jew". If there's another ethnic/religious designation as short, I'd like to hear it. Anyway, Isaiah Sheffler, I'm pretty certain is a Jew that I know. Of. I don't know him personally. None of the Jews I do know personally are widely known, so I won't mention them. But they know who they are. Again, Isaiah Sheffler, I'm pretty certain is Jewish. He's pretty cool, but he's kind of old. He should maybe lose some weight and color his hair a bit.

Sammy Davis, Jr.

A favorite Jew is Sammy Davis, Jr. He was a great singer -- very joyful, funny, and cool. And he could dance. I don't think the Rat Pack would have been the Rat Pack without him. He reminds me of my paternal grandfather. They were both dark brown and thin, even in old age.

Jonathan Safran Foer

An obvious Jew. I don't know that he writes about anything else. Ask him to show you his horns.

Michael Chabon and Jonathan Lethem

More young, celebrated Jewish writers. I had to cram them into one slot because I'm running out of room and I haven't yet included any Jewish comedians. Maybe I should have one spot for all "young, celebrated, Jewish-American writers".

Sarah Silverman

Potty mouthed Jewish comedian. She's kind of hot if you look at her from the right angle. I want to play with her sideburns and (I'm fairly sure) long underarm hair. Don't read too much into that.

5 times I've gone "number 2" in a public bathroom

The mile high club

I remember there was an airplane ride once and I just had to go. Airplane bathrooms aren't exactly the ideal place to go number 2. It was uncomfortable I'm sure, but afterward I felt relief bordering on religious ecstasy. I think it cured me of my public bathroom number 2 phobia.

Port-a-john near San Francisco

My brother-in-law was driving my wife and me around. I don't remember where we were -- some out-of-the-way park or something (perhaps the Presidio). My urge would not be denied and the only outlet was a port-a-john. There was paper.

Various airports

For some reason, airport bathrooms don't bother me. There is often so much traffic bustling in and out that you feel somewhat anonymous. It's not like blasting one out in someone's 1000 sq foot apartment where the bathroom is right off the living room.

The men's room by the women's lingerie section at Sak's, Union Square

This is one of the cleanest, most posh, public men's rooms on the planet. It's in the lingerie section, so it never sees much use. I don't know why Sak's has a men's room in the lingerie section, I guess architects are used to installing them in his-and-her sets. It's in Sak's, so it's decorated in rich marble and brass, with soft lighting. Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't include this one. I don't want any of you slobs messing it up. Forget it. It's not Sak's. It's H&M.

The great pyramid at Giza

What can I say? It's one of the wonders of the ancient world.