I (Too) Feel Bad About My Neck
May 23, 2007
Youthful looks and smooth skin runs in my family. When I was 13 I could easily pass for 11, but my neck, to which I'd not given much thought, was ringed by 3 or 4 prominent half-moon creases. I had a chihuahua neck. That such a frail structure should have to support my massive head made it doubly ridiculous.
How I envy footballers' massive pillar necks. Their cable-like sternocleidomastoids. Their broad humped trapeziuses. All that power beneath compact, utilitarian, heroically proportioned, skulls. Super-hero drawing lesson #1: scale your hero's body 8 or 9 heads tall, instead of the mere mortal's 6 head height.
Washing a creasy neck is important. The creases collect sweat and dust, if you're a normal boy playing in dirt, or, I suppose, an adult working in it.
The skinny-of-neck must always buy tailored, or at least fitted, shirts, to keep from looking like a Whack-a-Mole mole poking up through a gaping collar. Ring around the collar is caused by dead skin cells. The darker the skin, the worse it gets. Generally, darker skin such as mine is more worry free than the pale stuff (no need to memorize some seedy sunscreen pusher's pager number), but since I'm ragging on my neck, there it is. With my melanin rich, Latino skin, I'm always at risk of one of those wife-embarrassing -- he's got ring around the collar! -- moments.
My neck is also too short. Probably its growth was stunted by my crazy big noggin. I really do hate my neck.
I feel bad about my wrists too. Even worse than my neck. I fantasize about gaining 60 pounds or so, like my brother, who used to be skinnier than me but got married and filled out. Overnight, he developed massive man hands, man wrists, and a man neck. Like me, he doesn't "lift" and but for a brief stint as a road crew laborer, has always had a desk job. I wonder if I can still beat him up! He's two years younger and a good 3 inches taller. I have to think the extra weight would give him the advantage.
Does carrying extra pounds, in itself, strengthen the muscle underneath? Do morbidly obese people (which my brother is not) have superhuman musculature owing to years of lifting their own weight? My guess is yes. So if Adrian could bring down one of those big man arms and knock my head with one of those big man hands, I'd probably be in trouble.
I should also mention that while I've always avoided milk, as a child he guzzled quarts of Quik chocolate milk daily. Consequently, he had (and I assume, still has) bones of hardened steel. Good for clubbing.
He is on a diet and has recently lost 30 pounds. I only hope he reads this and becomes fully aware of the skinny-necked consequences of going too far.
---
Next in news:Great Movies Since Pulp Fiction?How I envy footballers' massive pillar necks. Their cable-like sternocleidomastoids. Their broad humped trapeziuses. All that power beneath compact, utilitarian, heroically proportioned, skulls. Super-hero drawing lesson #1: scale your hero's body 8 or 9 heads tall, instead of the mere mortal's 6 head height.
Washing a creasy neck is important. The creases collect sweat and dust, if you're a normal boy playing in dirt, or, I suppose, an adult working in it.
The skinny-of-neck must always buy tailored, or at least fitted, shirts, to keep from looking like a Whack-a-Mole mole poking up through a gaping collar. Ring around the collar is caused by dead skin cells. The darker the skin, the worse it gets. Generally, darker skin such as mine is more worry free than the pale stuff (no need to memorize some seedy sunscreen pusher's pager number), but since I'm ragging on my neck, there it is. With my melanin rich, Latino skin, I'm always at risk of one of those wife-embarrassing -- he's got ring around the collar! -- moments.
My neck is also too short. Probably its growth was stunted by my crazy big noggin. I really do hate my neck.
I feel bad about my wrists too. Even worse than my neck. I fantasize about gaining 60 pounds or so, like my brother, who used to be skinnier than me but got married and filled out. Overnight, he developed massive man hands, man wrists, and a man neck. Like me, he doesn't "lift" and but for a brief stint as a road crew laborer, has always had a desk job. I wonder if I can still beat him up! He's two years younger and a good 3 inches taller. I have to think the extra weight would give him the advantage.
Does carrying extra pounds, in itself, strengthen the muscle underneath? Do morbidly obese people (which my brother is not) have superhuman musculature owing to years of lifting their own weight? My guess is yes. So if Adrian could bring down one of those big man arms and knock my head with one of those big man hands, I'd probably be in trouble.
I should also mention that while I've always avoided milk, as a child he guzzled quarts of Quik chocolate milk daily. Consequently, he had (and I assume, still has) bones of hardened steel. Good for clubbing.
He is on a diet and has recently lost 30 pounds. I only hope he reads this and becomes fully aware of the skinny-necked consequences of going too far.
---
Comments